I remember once, a few years ago, I told this guy I was working on a project for the church with, that I thought he was very nice. Nice, as in Kind (I wasn’t trying to flirt, I was being sincere). He was polite and generous, and always trying to encourage the others on the team. He was just a nice guy, and I thought he should know that I noticed that about him. I’ve never forgotten his response to me.

He thanked me for my compliment and seemed very flattered. He told me it meant a lot to him because he worked very hard at being nice, but he didn’t always know if he was succeeding. It seems, that he, himself, was anything but a nice guy. He said, as a teenager and young adult (he was in his 30s at the time) he’d been a bully and downright mean. In fact, he said, to that day, despite years of apologizing for how he treated her, his sister still did not trust him. He’d been so cruel to her growing up she didn’t want to trust him.

He told me, if he managed to be nice to anyone it wasn’t him who was nice, but God in him. That it was God changing him.

I’ve been thinking about that answer again lately. A few incidences brought it back to mind. I replied, a few weeks ago, to someone without stopping to breath (posting before you think should be punishable by time outs or something). I was a tad bit snarky. But, the response I got back, “This isn’t like you,” almost made me want to laugh (in a sad kind of way). Because honestly, that is like me; snarky is me (just ask Wakizashi). In fact, that mouthy, snarky, touchy person is more me than you’d think. My natural instinct has always been to lash out with my mouth.

I don’t mean to give you the wrong impression. I’m not some kind of hypocrite who smiles and talks nice on the outside, but inside is thinking nasty things at you. Don’t worry, this isn’t some kind of confessional post. What I’m actually saying is that that is who I used to be, and who I work every day not to be again.

Like my friend said, God is changing me, and I’m doing the work it takes to be changed. (I assure you, taking the humble root when I really want to ask who they think they are is a lot of work.)

The nice happy, articulate, and always friendly (even humble) Megan you know (is that going too far?) is not the original me. It is a choice I make each morning and each time I’m tempted to let my emotions make my choices. I don’t put on someone I’m not, but I don’t behave the way I used to either. (How’s that for complicated?)

When my friend gave me that answer I knew what he meant, but I’d never experienced that myself. Up until that point I had worked on changing my bad habits, but I had never really let go of them. I had never really decided that I was willing to let my whole character be changed. I’m glad I know exactly what he means now.

I suppose that that guy is still a nice guy. I imagine that he’s even nicer now than he was then (he’s had all these years to practice being nice). I wonder if he struggles even less with the temptation to be mean, if it’s any easier to be nice? I, it seems, still need to remember to stop and take a breath between frustration, pride, and hurt before allowing myself to speak. The “real me” is always happy to have her say (and she’s not always sorry about it afterwards).

I’m awfully glad that this me is the one you know, and I promise to forgive you should you see the real me peeking out, and naturally assume that’s not actually me talking. We both know better, but I’d rather you didn’t know that me anyway.

On Flaming Renaissance:

Friday Felicitations
Dreaming